What the Bleep is Wrong with the Phillies?

I've been trying to start a research paper for the last half hour, assuming that a CC - Roy Halladay pitching match up would give me plenty of downtime because of a lack of base-runners. Well, 3 innings in, I have gotten nowhere on my paper, and Roy Halladay has struggled with way too many pitches against a team that he has historically dominated. Because most of my attention has been on the Flyers (and deservedly so), and pretending to care about the World Cup, I haven't gotten around to answering the many questions my friends have posed to me over the Phils' struggles.

Well, those of you who know me probably know that I am a bit obsessive and extremely demanding of my sports teams. I have zero patience with most players and only when you have earned my respect and trust do I grant any leeway. This is coming from a guy who hates Peter Forsberg, hated Daniel Briere until he showed me that his true talent lies in the playoffs, yelled at Ryan Howard to get out of Philadelphia when he struck out 3 times in one game in Washington, and of course hated Donovan McNabb. So either take this with a grain of salt or don't - these are my in-game reactions to what is becoming a daily question - What the heck is wrong with the Phillies?

(in no particular order)

1. No Jimmy. As Jimmy Rollins goes, so do the Phillies - yeah, yeah we've all heard that one. At this point, there is no excuse. I don't hear the players making excuses and I'm not sure I can watch a smug Ricky Bottalico say it after every loss as if he invented the saying. I don't expect the Phillies to suddenly lose every single ball game when day comes that Jimmy can't suit up at shortstop anymore. There is way too much talent on this team to rely on one man, even if that one man is the greatest shortstop in Phillies history and one of the best defensive shortstops in the history of Major League Baseball.

2. Roy Halladay. Yes, I believe that Roy Halladay is a problem. I am sure that I'll be taking this one back eventually, but "Doc" has not come here and done what we expected. The Phillies are playing their worst baseball in over 2 years and Doc has done nothing to change that. After the Phils won the World Series in '08 I realized that individual accomplishments only mean something to losers. That's why I don't care about his Perfect Game. It was nice (even though I barely saw any of it with Flyers-'Hawks Game 1 on) and definitely something he should be proud of for himself. At this point, I prefer Cliff Lee. Lee's nonchalance on the mound and his energy when he would dart from the dugout to the mound and then back again after the inning exemplified this team. Roy Halladay looks like he ate one too many Supremo Crunch's from Taco Bell on every pitch. Eyes scrunched up, grimacing, and never smiling - it doesn't look fun. To quote Benny the Jet, "Man, this is baseball. You gotta' stop thinking. Just... have fun."

Doc, this is my message to you - the reason that the Phillies succeed is because they are a group of hard workers, fun individuals, and a plethora of personalities. I know that Chase Utley doesn't smile, but it doesn't look like he's holding in a massive Number 2 either. Relax. Be friends with your teammates - it's a team.

3. Starting Pitching. I'm not terribly worried about Joe Blanton, he has always been a second-half pitcher. Cole Hamels has (statistically) bounced back a little bit. As long as he can get through moments such as his 16-pitch walk to Victor Martinez last Sunday and shut down teams after battles such as those, he should be alright. It's pretty astounding that Jamie Moyer has an ERA north of 5 when he's had 2 Complete Games. Scarily inconsistent eh? Kyle Kendrick is pitching pretty much how he should be expected to - if he can settle down to 6 innings and 3 runs I would take that in advance every single time. Can J.A. Happ come back to this team and be a savior?

3. Raul Ibanez. "I could go on forever baby!" - Home Alone 2. We'll see how many of my childhood favorites I end up referring to once this rant is over with. Raul Ibanez and Carlos Lee are locked in a mortal combat, fighting for the title of "Worst Outfielder in MLB." Lee's 19 million dollars may be 7 more than what Ibanez is making, but Ibanez also gets the nod of making Ruben Amaro Jr. look like a terrible GM. It's not fair to expect Ibanez to hit at the torrid pace that he started at last year, but 12 million dollars is a lot of money to pay to someone projected to hit barely 10 home runs. Every single Phillies game it seems that a few more fans have stopped cheering "RAAAUUUULLLL" every time the veteran steps to the plate. Watching the 38-year-old look like the rubber band man as he hobbles around the outfield is just painful at this point. It's time to cut our losses - drop Ibanez like we did with Adam Eaton and Geoff Jenkins. That way we can see what Dominic Brown has to offer, effectively showing the organization how hard they need to go after retaining Jayson Werth. (Nice 2-0 count, bases loaded ground out, Raul. Nice)

4. Shane Victorino. I know that he's not a prototypical leadoff hitter, but this is hard to watch. Shane doesn't look like he has had a game plan at the plate in over a month. While his free-swinging style leads to some unpredictable homeruns, it just doesn't translate to consistently getting on base. Try looking at a few pitches Shane. The point of a leadoff batter is to get on base.

5. The Bench. Greg Dobbs had his season to remember... although it's sort of getting hard to remember that a man hitting .163 once lead the league in pinch-hitting. Ross Gload is the same exact thing is Greg Dobbs - last year's pinch-hitting success story. Ben Francisco comes in for a pinch hit and seems to swing at the first pitch almost every single time. This is terrible baseball. For a man who is constantly talked about as "a starting outfielder for most teams," you would think that Ben would want to see a few pitches before flying out to center. Just a thought. Oh, and Juan Castro is really old.

6. Tom McCarthy. I miss the good ole days of T-Mac sitting in various empty outfield bleachers with sweat falling down his shiny head. Listening to this man's drone and congested laugh is worse than watching Seth Rogan's laugh on a loop. I never realized what a gem we had in Harry Kalas.

7. Chase Utley, I can't say anything bad about you. <3

How to Fix it? Here are a few bullet point ideas to shake up the team...
- As previously noted, drop Raul Ibanez and bring up Dominic Brown.
- Allow Jimmy Rollins to rest for as long as he needs. And when he says he's ready to come back, make him sit out another week (at least).
- Sit Chase Utley for a few games in a row, just like Charlie did with Jimmy last year.
- Tell Jayson Werth to get Roy Halladay really, super, extra drunk. Then he can open up with his teammates and have some nice inside jokes to share in the clubhouse.
- Trade Greg Dobbs or Ross Gload to another team with a struggling pinch-hitter. Can't hurt.
- Tell Ryan Howard to stop worrying so much about the shift and hit the weight room.
- I REPEAT: Release Raul Ibanez.


Just to reiterate - I know that I am sort of freaking out, and that hopefully I'll look back on this post in a few weeks and chuckle to myself as all of my friends mock me. I hope that is the case.

Go Phillies.